September 9, 2010 — Cupertino, CA — Apple today announced a workforce relocation project. Approximately 5,000 employees will move to a new White Paint Factory, located in the scenic tundra of Siberia.
“Our employees are thrilled to make this unique contribution to our bottom line,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “The white iPhone won’t be delayed much longer. Stay tuned.”
“Employee well-being is our highest priority,” said COO Tim Cook. “White Paint Factory employees will be fed healthy whole-grain bread and crystal-clear ice water twice a day, while hand-painting our premium, shatter-resistant oleophobic glass panels. Our employees are really excited about this opportunity. I’ve gotten tons of feedback. It’s really been overwhelming.”
Senior VP Hardware Engineering Bob Mansfield added “Maintaining Apple’s extraordinary quality standards is crucial, so mistakes will be corrected by administering oleophobic glass shards, or in extreme cases, volunteering for antenna design testing for our amazing and magical next-generation antenna.”
“We’ve carefully reviewed all applicable laws,” said Bruce Sewell, General Counsel. “Not only is this project generally far above the standards of Liberia and other rapidly developing regions, but Russia is excited at the economic development prospects. This will have a great effect on Apple’s stock value, so we’re back-dating senior executive stock options as we speak.”
Apple designs Macs, the best personal computers in the world, along with OS X, iLife, iWork, and professional software. Apple leads the digital music revolution with its iPods and iTunes online store. Apple is reinventing the mobile phone with its revolutionary iPhone and App Store, and has recently introduced its magical iPad which is defining the future of mobile media and computing devices.